St. Peter 2.0

i have another character to add to my list of bus-crazies.  i'm calling her st. peter 2.0 because i am confident that when we die and try to get into heaven, this woman will be the one dishing out the judgments and smacking us away from the gates with her flop-titties.

i was standing at the bus stop and this bitch comes stumbling up, a cig in her mouth and a can of diet coke in her hand (like looking into a mirror, i swear).  people would walk by her and she would SCREAM at them.  she was so angry and hateful and just delicious, to be honest.   some things that she screamed at people who did nothing but get off the bus and walk down the sidewalk:

"you're a homo.  you're an ASS SUCKING homo.  you cock SUCKER.  you need to get LAID."

"i ain't ever seen someone as fat as you, you FAT FUCKING WHORE."

"god'd throw you out of church douchebag"

and she'd laugh and laugh.  here is an artist's rendering of the scene:

i realize that most of the women i write about have saggy tots, but honestly none of these seattle hippy fucks believe in bras, so loose boob is pretty rampant.

also note that she kind of looks like the frizz from magic school bus.

my next update will be about my growing relationships with the bus drivers of seattle.

xx

you won't believe this but i SWEAR it's true.

what about me SCREAMS hooker?  last night, i was on the bus going home from the gym.  i was sweaty and probably smelly and wearing my headband (the usual).  this old man sitting a few seats down from me starts staring at me.  i THOUGHT he was just judging my disgusting appearance until i look over and he starts SLOWLY STROKING one of the poles people are supposed to hold on to when the bus is making crazy turns.  then he NODS at me and does that thing where his eyebrows jump up suddenly as if to say, 'hey baby, gimme some of that sweaty mess.'  i'm obviously frozen with fear and awkwardness and if i could have seen my face i think it would have looked something like this:

 then he continues to stroke the pole until his bus stop, when he gets up, thanks the bus driver, looks over at me and gives a little goodbye wave, like i just gave him the best beej of his life but SHHH don't tell anyone, you slut.  this shit happened to me in london and i guess it leads to me to one conclusion:  one topic that everyone in the world can agree on is

 that i'm a whore.  a big, sweaty whore.

speaking of whoring, i think my dad is flying to denver this weekend for a booty call.  here was our phone conversation:

ME: hello?

DAD: i think i'm going to fly to denver this weekend.

ME: why?

DAD: because i can.  and because there's a wedding and someone i want to see an

d it's the stuff movies are made of.

ME: gross.

DAD: what?

ME: i said,'okay.'

DAD: oh.

is that sketch?  maybe.

OH there was a race fight yesterday on the bus.  and by 'race fight' i mean a drunk black woman who looked like this:

please note the sagging, uneven breasts, camel toe, and MARY POPPINS HAT.  anyway, she was getting off the bus and apparently this nerdlinger sitting next to me didn't give her enough room because she turned around, stumbled, and yelled,'WHITE BOY, MOVE YO ASS NEXT TIME OR IT'S MINE.  HEAR?  ASSHOLE.'  i died.  i think the kid peed his pants after adjusting his glasses.  i guess that wasn't a great story, i just wanted to draw something.

xx

I THINK I HAVE MERCURY POISONING.